United Phone Losers
issue no. 22 - October 14, 2000
this issue edited by linear

in this issue

Written by linear

Oh God, is this issue late. But it's not my fault! I swear! What with school (Yes, I'm actually trying in school this year so I don't kicked off the ComedySportz team [competitive improv]), Impulse Reality (a non h/p zine I've started to get really into working with lately) and my girlfriend (yes, I have a girlfriend now, and somehow I've been having a real life lately - like actually DOING stuff... I know, I'm scared too...) it's like I no longer have time for UPL anymore. But don't worry, just because I'm getting lazy with UPL doesn't mean it's going anywhere. But I fear you might have start waiting longer in between issues, especially if article submissions don't improve.

Apologies for how sloppily put together this issue is. Oh, and just to make it official, el caco is back and once again a member of the UPL staff!

--- linear

What ever happened to el caco?
Written by el caco

Hey folks I know it's been a while since anyone has heard from me (and some of you new people don't even know me), but I've been a little busy. I've been in Georgia, doing the army thing. For what it's worth the army isn't worth it. Waking up at 4am sucks.

I did basic training at the prestigious Ft Benning, GA. Home of the Infantry. I learned to march a lot. And wake up at 4 and do PT (physical training). I had to make my bed, go to sleep at 9pm and eat when the told me to. It sucked. There were almost no females on the whole of Ft Benning. I graduated from basic on Aug 24 in the year of my nuts 2000. Then I got to come to the other side of georgia and stay at Ft Gordon. Home of the Army's Signal School. It's not so bad here. I have a lot more freedom here, but I still have to wake up at 4 and do pt, but then I have to go to school afterward. School, like school everywhere sucks. All I learn is electronics, my job in the army will be Special Electronics Device Repair. Whoop de doo. I'll be fixing night vision goggles (a controlled item, that means if one comes up missing the whole base gets locked down and no one leaves until it's found), chemical agent detectors, chemical agent monitors and mine detectors. All real hi tech shit. I've got some dumb motherfuckers in my class though. We tear it up on the weekends though. I personally go out and drink at least one night of every weekend.

The army has given me a lot. I have a cell phone (prepaid and for some reason it's not receiving incoming calls right now, but you can call me at 706-284-2510 any time day or night to see if it works right yet. try calling on the weekend though cause most of the time i don't carry it to school, not allowed), I own a tv/vcr, I'm getting a playstation 2 when it comes out, I'm looking to get an 85 jetta. The army is treating me well. But don't join. Don't be dumb like me.

Right now i'm looking for a lucky phoneloser who is willing to let me come to their house for thanksgiving. It's going to be a 4 day weekend and I can't afford to go all the way home to california. If you live in the south or on the east coast and are willing to board a fellow phoneloser for a few days then drop me a line at ysiddiq {at} hotmail {dot} com

And SQ don't think I haven't forgotten about you. I've got beatings to do and pr0n to download and show your mom and a sandwich to eat. Well as far as the beatings and pr0n go I'm not gonna do it. But as far as I know you are the closest phoneloser to me right now, only about 150 miles. If I knew where you lived I could go up there sometime. Drop me a line man. ysiddiq {at} hotmail {dot} com

If you think this article sucked, you can suck my cock bitch!@#$%

--- el caco

Modem Brown Box
Written by Phractal

Using your modem as a bridge for two seperate lines to create '3-way  calling'

This is a common scenario that many dialup users of the interenet have on their computers. Many people have two phone lines at home, for the convienience of being connected to the internet via telephone and also being able to use the other line for voice calls.

In this diagram, we start out with two seperate phone lines, each having their own unique telephone number of course. One line supplies Phone A with access to a dialtone. Line two plugs directly into the modem. Almost all telephone modems have two phone jacks. One is meant for the incoming phone line (ie the line coming from the wall), and the other is meant to attach to phone (Phone B), which can be used when the modem is not in use, and will operate on the same line as line 2, naturally. This is where 'I' and 'O' labeled on the modem come into place. The 'I' stands for input, and the 'O' stands for output. On many modems, the input jack is labeled 'Line', and the output jack is labeled 'Phone'. When the modem is not in use, think of it as a router for Line 2 to Phone B.

*POTS lines from wall

   Line 1       Line 2
Phone Line   Modem Line
     |~|         |~|
      |           |
      |           |
      |           |                                /----------\
      |           |                                |          |
      |           |       /-------------\          | Computer | /----------\
      |           |       |             |          |          | | @@@@@@@@ |
    _______       \-------|<I           |          |          | | @@@@@@@@ |
   #########              |    Modem    |----------|          | | @@@@@@@@ |
  ###|___|###     /-------|<O           |          |          | \__________/
    * 123 *       |       |             |          |          |---\      /
   *  456  *      |       \-------------/          |          |  _/______\_
  *   789   *     |                                |          |
  ***********     |                                \----------/
    Phone A       |
               * 123 *
              *  456  *
             *   789   *
               Phone B

With some tinkering, all the materials described and illustrated above can  be used to create a bridge of two seperate phone lines. This means that you can call two seperate phone numbers and communicate with the people on the recieving line at the same time, and they can hear you, and they can hear each other, and not just you. In laymen's terms, it's three way calling. It isn't really three way calling, because actual three calling is a service offered by the telephone company to a single phone line, but this plan has the exact same effect as actual three way calling. It is cheaper to have one phone line with the three way calling plan, than to have two phone lines,  but if you have/need/prefer two phone lines, you can use this method to make three way calling using two phone lines. This is totally legal as well. You can do this same procdedure with a phone that accepts 2 lines.

To achieve this method of three way calling, setup your modem, phones and phone lines in the following manner:

*POTS lines from wall

   Line 1       Line 2
Phone Line   Modem Line
     |~|         |~|
      |           |      /Note: Line 1 is connected to wall, and
      |           |     /       unplugged at other end
      |           |    /                           /----------\
      |           |   /                            |          |
      |           |  /     /-------------\         | Computer | /----------\
      |           | |      |             |         |          | | @@@@@@@@ |
      \-----------|-----   |<I           |         |          | | @@@@@@@@ |
                  |        |    Modem    |---------|          | | @@@@@@@@ |
                  \--------|<O           |         |          | \__________/
                           |             |         |          |---\      /
                           \-------------/         |          |  _/______\_
                                                   |          |

    Phone A          Phone B
    _______          _______
   #########        #########
  ###|___|###      ###|___|###
    * 123 *          * 123 *
   *  456  *        *  456  *
  *   789   *      *   789   *
  ***********      ***********
       |                |
       |                |
       |                |
       |                |
       |                |
      |~|              |~|
    Line 1           Line 2

Phone A and B are both unplugged from their previous destinations. They need to be plugged into other telephone jack terminals for Line 1 and Line 2. Be in mind, these are still the same Lines that were mentioned before. At the original terminal, Line 1 directly from the wall is now unplugged (but get ready to plug into Input/Line modem jack on modem), and directly from the wall, line two is plugged into the the Phone or Output jack.

Instructions for three way calling operation:
  1. Pick up Phone B connected to Line 2 and hear a dialtone. Dial a phone number of someone you want to speak to.
  2. While talking on Phone B once they've picked up and you've confirmed a connection, plug line 1 into the Input/Line jack of the modem.
  3. You should hear a dialtone, but you are still also connected to your friend who you previously called. You can still hear eachother if you speak loud enough over the dialtone. This dialtone is the dialtone of Line 1.
  4. Pick up Phone A, which is connected to Line 1 and dial a number of  someone you wish to speak to. You should hear the tones of the numbers being dialed on Line 2/Phone B, as well as Phone A of course. The dialtone will stop as it always does once you enter a DTMF tone.
  5. If all goes well, and the third party picks up, both of the people can talk to you, hear you, and hear eachother, hence three way calling.

With step  4, you can dial the third party directly from your second line,  or in this case, Phone B. I told you to dial from Phone A because it better illustrates how this works.

Also, reset to original setup to get online :)

Why this works.
The Output jack for the modem also accepts input over a phone line, because otherwise, how would you talk to someone on a phone routed through a modem, without them hearing you. Your voice is the input.

The Modem thinks that the lines you connected in diagram 2 are one phone line. And since the Line 2 is connected to the output modem jack and then to the wall, instead of an individual phone, the modem is now in essence, 'connected' with the rest of the phones all hooked up to line 2.

The thing that triggers the whole thing is when you connect line 1 to the modem. Now, I'm not totally sure why this part happens, but I think it's the modem trying to figure all of this out. So here's my hypothesis: The modem recognizes that there is activity on Line 2, so it opens up the Input jack for information automatically, and therefore, you get an auto-dialtone when you insert Line 1 into the 'Line/Input' Modem jack. The modem is basically taking the phone off the hook on the Input jack. And it's all ready for you once you insert Line 1.

Slackware ownz!

--- Phractal

Public Address Systems
Written by Twisted Faith

PA System (n) an electronic amplification system used for communication in public areas

In 1989 when I was in the 2nd grade I noticed that when ever I was in trouble they would ask for me to come down to the main office using the loud speakers. They would sit me down, ask me why I started the fire or why I was missing so much school. Which in return I would reply by saying fire warm or redrum. They didn't need to waste my time with such stupid things, and they didn't need to tell the whole school I was in deep shit to boot.

From my past I had learn from destroying my sisters "Speak and Spell" that when I touched the speaker wires together they would make a very sharp noise or would deaden the speaker so no sound could be generated. And after my sister would beat me to death for braking her toys I would gather what was left of my teeth and go and play with my "Magic talker"(A toy that was made in the late 80's that would change your voice to sound like just about anything) I had learned from cutting the line of my Magic talk that I could make the speaker cord box farther from the mic so I could cut back on feedback. I thought that maybe I could turn my school into a giant magic talk after the show were the Thundercats turned there ship into a giant sonic speaker to destroy the ice Monster from his ice monster planet Icemon , phew. So the next day I got my tools (A butter-knift, duck-tap and a G-I-Joe named Hawk)And(wait one second, are you laughing mother fucker, are you laughing at my G-I-Joe, that mother fucking G-I-Joe gots Cong foo grip bitch! Now can i go on please.) went around to the back of the main office and looked for the main cable box that runs all the speaker wires to different wing's of the school. I got down on one knee and took out my butter-knift and before i knew it my ass was picked up and thrown into the fucking princibles office and my mother was called and I was sent home. And after i was beat to death because i had a "weapon" at school, i pissed my pants and never tryed something like that at that school again.

Many moons later in the 10th grade I had just changed schools and visited my mother who had saved all my childhood toys. To my surprise I found something that I had thought been lost, yup, you guessed it,my G-I-Joe mother fucker! Oh yeah, and my Magic talk, it brought up old memories oh what I had once tried to do, and with my skills being just a little better then my butter-knift day's I took it upon myself to see if I could do what I once failed to do. And after I played war with my G-I-Joe and showing him whos boss I thought about the P.A. system at my knew school. I noticed it was different then the other school I resonantly went to were there P.A. system was just like one big phone, were all you did was dial a number, the number they picked for an all call was 911. I still think that they are the stupidest people alive, what would of happened if some dude with a gun busted up in the office and killed everybody but a T.A. and he tryed to call for help, but, yup, he coulden't call 911 and all he got was a all-call and because he's a nerd nobodys going to take him seriously with his nerdish voice and everyone will fuck off, and die. Well, i also kinda thought would of been kinda cool.

The one at my new school was a little old fashion, all the line needed was for a circuit to be complete and there you go. It was nothing more then you guessed it, a giant Magic talker waiting to happen. The next day I scouted around my school looking for a remote place were I could sit and think about what IM going to do if I can get it to work. I found out that they ran everything, I mean everything into the Gem in a little closet. I waited ‘til I had PE, witch was 1 period before Lunch and jammed a door open in the back of the gem with a pencil. So I ditched my slutty girlfriend and came into the gem, walked to were the closet was, reached out to turn the door knob and sure enough, it was locked. So I used my mad lock picking skills and kicked the door in! I looked around and found a metal box with a little kiddy lock on it witch I popped off with my pen. I looked inside and to my joy I not only saw the main junction for the P.A. system, I also saw the bell system and the phones that ran to the office. I could tell that these were them, somebody wrote it on a peace of tape on each unit, and it had allot of little things on it that said what went to what. I hooked up my little mini-phone to it and said, "Doop"! And it echoed across the school, and after i pissed my pants i jumped for joy saying "im so 313370, YAY" i thought it works it works, I have control over the whole school I said. I didn't know what to really do, I just sat there thinking of something I could do, so when the bell rang for my next class I just left. The next day I did the same thing, just this time I hooked two of the wires from what I think was the counseling offices part of the phone system to the cheap ass bell system, I choose to hook the ringer part of the phone line to the bell systems test switch for testing fire alarms. I ran all the wires to the back of the box so it wouldn't be so noticable. Then I closed the box, walked out of the room and back to the quad (lunch area) and not 2 minuntes after that the bells started to ring. And they rang for the next fucking three days till they figured out that somebody had messed with the system, it took one more day to figure out where. And here i was, rolling, it was hella funny to see everybody just so confused.

Public Address system's (P.A.) are not limited to just schools. In 1995 one of the most famous people I know,(next to the Ronald Mcdonald) RBCP, took over the Fred Meyer's pageing system. Now if you didn't already know Fred Meyer's is a very big store, its about the size of 3 normal wal-marts. What he did was trick the stores operator into transforing him from a remote (his house) phone off site to the pageing systems extantion. Giving him the same power as a store employee pageing somebody in the store. Of course he just didn't say "hay Bob come to Lights in Lane 3" no no, he played around and had fun pranking the store. If you would like to read more about this story please visit www.phonelosers.org/viewpla.html issue 25.

Now when i first read this in early 98 i didn't think it was going to work. I thought for sure that allot of losers probable ruined it before me and somebody like wal-mart was allot smarter now and pached up all those holes. But I was not shocked to prove myself wrong, turn's out that they have the same people greating you at the door as they do picking up the phones. Just some 80 year old fart thats working for 5.75 an hour. I spent a part of my day before looking around the store for a phone that might have a list of numbers on it. I found one and scanned the numbers, but turns out they just didn't post the all call number right there, turns out they got a little smart and kept it private to just employes. So i walked into house wares and asked a clerk stocking the shelfs if he could use the pageing system for me because i couldn't find my friend. Him not really wanting to get up from his very busy time repriceing rash-cream gave me the number and went on with his very exciting job. I walked over to the Phone they have every ten lanes and dialed the number, i asked for David to come to Sporting goods and hung up. Then i copyed the number that this phone goes to and went out side. I picked up the phone, and called the store, i asked to be connected to the number, i think it was 9820, then somebody else picked up and i asked them to connect me to 9832. Then i said something i will never forget, i said:

"What the fuck are you guys thinking, red on black, ahhh. ssssshhhhHHhhh" *click*

I know im no Pioneer, everything I've done and said has been done before, i just thought you might like to know that it still Works and it wouldn't be a whole waste of your time if you tryed it. And also i haven't gone to sleep in about 2 1/2 days and got kinda board. And knowing UPL they will put this in the next issue, and here it is. Sometimes, just sometimes crap like this makes me cry, as i said, sometimes. But the whole point to life has come down to one thing for me, "communication", its the key to growth, and i thought maybe i might get some people out there that will take the time to read what i have to write and give me another reason for life other then trying to get the little spots floating in front of my face to stop laughing at me, LITTLE FUCKERS STOP LAUGHING AT ME, PLEASE STOP IT... I'LL KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!

--- Twisted Faith

How to get on Ma Bell's bad side
Written by spYDir

Tired of beige boxing? Sick of building obsolete boxes? Well then, welcome to the exciting world of telco bashing, crashing, harrassing, stealing!

Choose to follow this file at your own risk, I, the writer am not repsonsible for your actions.

How to have some phun.
Goto a large telephone network interface, these are about 4 feet tall and 2 1/2 feet wide and about 8 inches thick. These usually have one or two latches on them, use a 7/16's wrech to undue the bolts and then the latches should come un-done. NOw open this baby up. You'll probably see all of these panels that are somewhere around 6 inches long you'll see a lot of these, and each panel holds 25 phone lines, and in one of those boxes, it could actually contain around 1700 lines, (so heard from a linemen, but I am too lazy to do the math). Now that you're in there, look for adapters in the corners of the box, or sometimes tied in by string. You'll also sometimes see a punchout tool. But anyways, take what ever isn't connected to a phone line or something that could damage any lines in tha box if removed. Some of the adapters in there can be used to slip into the lines by way of linemens handset.

Bell manholes, interesting, but deadly, well can be... if you ever decide to go into a bell manhole, try and pick one out that has been recently used, because methane (spelling?) can build up down there, which can be deadly. also if it was recently used, you wont have so much water on the bottom. Also, the covers have (usually) "Bell system" on them and weigh a fucking ton (well, not really), but get a few people, a few crowbars and some serious ass peer pressure. what you'll find in there is basically a junction connection (telephone network interface) of a good amount of lines, and rumored, tools such as handsets, but most likely not, but that doesn't exclude other tools!

Telco trucks
go down to your local telco office that has linemen vans parked there. Half the time they even leglect to lock the vans, so take advatage of this, if you are so daring to go inside, look for Linemen's handset, tools that you may want, and manuals. And anything else appealing such as a hard hat. Then, have your girlfriend (if you aren't too dorkish to not have one) put the HArd hat on, and hold the linemens handset and nothing else, and then take a picture of it, and send it to PLA or UPL, (go to the PLA gallery on phonelosers.org and look for something like nekid amy or something)

More junction boxes
In some parts around my city, I am finding tni's that hold about 200 lines or so (estimated), and they are at the bottom of eletrical, etc... poles with large telco can's on the tops of them, so linemen dont have to climb all the way up there. And they are soo easy o open, they usually only have 1 or 2 latches that you require no tools but your hands to open. but be careful on windy days, cause when these suckers get blown open, they can make a pretty loud noise! I have found telco tools in these types of boxes that were tied in by nylon string, so bring a knife or something and a flashlight. PLus, I have also noticed that linemen write little notes for other linemen on the cover sometimes.

Hope you found this somewhat informative...

--- spYDir

H2K Review
Written by CompuDroid

Ahh H2k, the even I have been waiting for over a year to arrive has come and gone. What can say about? Not too much, mostly the vodka's fault. The following is a description of the events as I remember them.

FRIDAY 6a.m.

Zeno Strifer and I wake up after only 4 hours of sleep ready to hack the planet. While dressing in the spiffiest suits we own, cause after all being a hacker is all about looking cool, I receive a phone call from fellow Zoo Crew member OSJedi. To our woe we learn he will not be attending H2k. Why might you ask would a hacker who lives 35 minutes away from H2k not attend? NitePhreak tagged along with us just to annoy us. If he isn't mentioned for long periods of time it isn't because he wasn't there, it's because he's an idiot and I dont feel like writing down all of the dumb shit he did. I dunno, he must be retarded. Getting on the train we spout jibberish at each other while other riders stare at the half-punks, half-businessmen making asses of themselves.

When we finally arrive at the con we get our tickets and count up out cash. Collectivly Zeno and I have $321.00 (Zeno had a dollar). Being that a hotel costs $340 for the two nights we go and find a bank to take out another $200 for room and board. Due to the incredible unorginization of the HSBC (I dunno what it stands for either) we miss the first three panels. We get back just in time for "High School Horror tales. It sucked.

Being the hackers that we are, we decide to decode all of the secret information on our H2k badges. They contained a magnetic strip and a barcode. First we put them under a black light to make sure there was no secret ultraviolet printing. Nope. we tried to decode the barcode by hand into binary. The lines were way too small to keep track of how many tenths of a millimeter long each different partition is. If we had a print scanner we could have scanned it up and counted pixils but alas not one goddamn hacker at H2k brought one. We decide to hit RadioShack for parts to build a magentic Strip reader. Before entering we hide out H2k badges so security (the dumb clerk) doesn't watch us extra close. We steal eveything we need except for a pack of AA batteries which we pay for. (Hey, we're nice guys.) As I'm handing the jerkoff his cash I put my H2k badge back on just to let him know he just got fucked over.

Back at the hotel a million goddamn people stopped to ask what we were doing on the lobby floor with a few dozen rat shack parts. Haven't these people ever seen a goddamn hacker building a mag strip reader at a conference before? JEEEZUS! One of these people, Citadel, turned out to be from Minnisota (dontcha know) and knew ex-ZooCrew member HyperBurn. Another one of them was DeadRinger who turned out to be extremely cool. He invited us to his hotel room cause he had some extra wire. Aparantly we bought the wrong gauge wire and it was really hard to stick in our experimenter socket. I swear, I bought the wrong guage on purpose, we're not idiots, no, SHADDAP! His room was pretty phatty (or so we thought). Kinda small but he had all of his scanner equiptment out (monitoring H2k security) some phatty transmiters. We drank. Now, this is where the whole weekend get fuzzy so bear with me. We knocked on the suite door to ask whoever was next door if they had any extra cups for making screwdrivers. They turned out to be punk rockers also here for the H2k con. We drank more. Then we ordered four pillows from room service every 15 minutes. We also threw lots of stuff out the window. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

At some point sometime after that we're walking around and we run into Bernie S. He designed the H2k badges and saw us messing with our circuitry so we talked to him. He told us that the mag strip was just there for decoration (lazy hacker) but the barcode did in fact have a message on it. Since we already determined that it in fact it would be a real bitch to decode the barcode without any equiptment and we didn't feel like building a barcode reader (mostly cause it involved digital timing circuitry opposed to our mag strip reader which was analog and starting over from scratch might cut into some of our drinking time) so we scrapped the project for then.

We checked out the FreeBSD room and learned we don't know how to use FreeBSD so we left. We hit a bunch more panels which you don't want to hear about because you were probably there and if you weren't, well tough shit. We hit hotel room, sucked down some beers and waited for "Freedom Downtime" to begin. Or as Jello Biafra later called it "Freedom Download" (do some homework). We discussed a telephone anomoly which the two punks, Lunakrist and ChargedPunk had discovered. Aparently in a certain NJ exchange if you dialed any 4 digit combination you would get a typical "This line has been disconnected" or whatever bullshit. BUT, if you dialed 5 digits you would get all kinds of special operator shit. If you've seen this before or can shed some light email me.

Well it was time for "Freedom Download" so we hit the movie room and it was PACKED! we were like fuck this so we got some laptops together and connected to the T1. We got like 25 to as good as 100k/sec. Not great for a T1 but hell, there were million other hackers porno on it so it was bogged down. We followed everyone else's lead and downloaded porno and Quake 2. That was fun for a while, then we hit the FreeBSD lab and wrote password snatcher to save a copy of anyone's login/password how logged in to the machines we installed it at. People kept diabling it deleting out logs. In the end we got 3 valid passwords. w00h00. We went back to the hotel room and ordered more pillows and threw more stuff out of the window. We didnt know where DeadRinger was so I forced to break down his suite door with my steel toed ska shoes. That was fun. We got our shit ouf there and listened to security get restless. We also drank more. The rest of that night mostly involved drinking and hacking. I don't remember all too much. I do remember that I didn't go to sleep and that was fun. Late at night the T1 and BSD rooms turned into a mess. Everyone was drinking openly and you couldnt see much farther than 20 feet away because of all of the ciggarette smoke. Thank god the smoke detectors were fake (or dismanteled at least). At around 6 in the morning we chilled in our dual hotel room and watched "Snacky" try and sell some butter looking stuff that makes your hair soft some something on infomercials.

WAKE UP TIME! Too bad we didn't go to sleep. We caught Jello Biafra's two hour long speech which demonstrated his complete lack of what this con was about. "Err, I'm JELLO BIAFRA! APPARANTLY MICROSOFT IS PUTTING SOMETHING CALLED A 'COOKIE' ON YOUR COMPUTER TO MONITOR YOU!" Good work Jello. I kinda dozed off that that a little bit. A little later on (after ordering more pillows and throwing more stuff out of the window of course) we caught a really cool panel on the robotic graphiti writer. It was a big remote controled car that was loaded with 5 spray cans. It would spray pre-programed messages accorss a span of 20 feet on the ground. The guy who built it demonstrated by writing "FUCK THE MPAA" on a long spool or paper rolled out on the ground whoch was later hung up in the T1 room.

Cult of the Dead Cow did their media whore show. cDc is insane. It was pretty cool, the only problem was they kept telling us about software they ahd recently written which was going to be released at "DEFCON". Well motherfuckers I don't live half an hour away from Nevada, give me the software now! Those crazy fucks put on a good show. Later on they asked Zeno if we wanted to go to a bar with them. He said no. I wasn't there at the time and it probably would have been hella cool to get drunk (again) with the cDc. Then on the other hand those fucks are nuts enough sober, not sure I wanna be to close to them when they're fucked up without a chastity belt.

That night we had a great idea "Hey, lets order more pillows and throw more stuff out of the window!". It was the best idea we had ever had. I'm so glad we though of it. I havn't introduced them but Premium286 and Dest1 were also rooming with us, they cam in with the Lunakrist and ChargedPunk. Premo and Dest were the quiet type so they don't get worked into the story as much, sorry guys. We went to Kmart to buy wood glue and clamps for the door I busted in. While there we found the PA system code (FUNCTION 606) and informed the workers they were all fired. We also announced the unadvertised sale on creamy homosexual zygotes on sale, aisle 3. "Attention all goddamn, jewish, nigger, nazi, faggot creaming, fuck stain, piece of shit K-Mart shoppers!" On the way out some store clerk either yelled at us or thought what we did was really cool. Too much ebonics in his speech to really tell which one it was.

We got to the hotel room and fixed the door. We spilled the remaining wood glue out of our window. That was fun. Oh I forgot to mention, the earlier night we found a stack of about a doezen "OVER 50" pr0n magazines on top of the soda machine on our floor. We finally had a use for it. Rip out every single page of every magazine and hurdle them out the window in one gigantic porno bomb. It was the most beautiful thing I ever saw. The hackers got their christmas snow.

I went out wandering the hotel and ran into YonderBoy. Yonder recently wrote a program which is capable of decrypting RSA encryption without the private key available. Sweet stuff, don't give it to the government.

That night alot of people were fucking shit up. Some guy blew up 3 or 4 m80's in one of the elevators. Someone else threw up on every floor of the stairwell. A third guy was taking over the 2600's security station with his mobil transmiter. We listened to this for a while untill we heard that Captain Crunch (yea, he was there too) was running arounf the hotel with his pants duct taped to his nipples. We HAD to see this so me and ZenoStrifer ran out of the hotel room. We had to leave the scanner though because 2600 security was looking for anyone with radio equiptment hoping it would be the guy taking over the station. As it turned out Captain Crunch didn't have his pants duct taped to his nipples. That was a lie to get anyone with a scanner to run out of their hotel room so the guards could harrass you. When we found the captain he WAS however drunk off of his ass. He was funk dancing in the rave room by himself. One of the most memorable moment of H2k.

That was all we needed. We went to out room to get some sleep for the first time in over 48 hours. Of course, not before ordering more pillows to our room and throwing more stuff out of the window.

The next morning we threw more stuff out of the window. This time we hit one of the hotel security guards on the ground level. Not good. 2600 took our badges and the hotel security banned us from ever entering HOtel PEnnsylvania again. Damnit. Well we had our fun. There were only a few more panels left anyways. I watched a few of them live on real player from home. All in all it was a pretty grand con. If you weren't there you certainly missed all the fun. Oh, NitePhreak passed out every night of the con in a drunken rage. THE END.

--- CompuDroid

[note from linear: regarding CD's comments about Jello Biafra, obviously CD had no knowledge of who he was. He even spelled his name wrong in the article every time he wrote it (i was kind enough to edit those mistakes). Jello Biafra IS NOT A HACKER! He's probably never touched a computer! He wasn't there to teach you to be uberhax0rs, he was there to talk about privacy you schmuck!]

Money Order Fun
Written by Thrakmar

One day, while sitting around with a bunch of friends and nothing to do, I was wishing I could get an addition to my f-rad knife collection (I'm underage). Later that day, I was talking about this subject in some IRC channel. Someone suggested I mail order my knife. Hmm, good idea. But how am I gonna pay for it? I'm a minor, so obviously I don't have a credit card or checking account. Not long after that event I was watching TV, and some retarded commercial was running. Like all of these dumb commercials, at the end it says something like, "Payment by check or money order." Then I got to thinking, what the hell was a money order anyways?

A money order is like a check, but you pay for it upfront, so unlike a check, you cannot "bounce" a money order. You get them at the post office, and the premium which is charged to purchase one is a very, very, small percentage of the money order's amount. Minors can buy these, but a photo ID is required to cash one. Now not many catalogs accept money orders, so where are we gonna buy the stuff from? This took a bit more thinking. But after looking around for a while, I noticed that just about every auction on eBay will accept these. Score!

To create an account with eBay, you must be 18. This is as simple as clicking a button that says "I am 18." However, eBay will notice if you're using a HotMail or other free email account to sign up with, and you need to use a real email account. The solution? Use a little-known free email provider that eBay won't recognize as free. I used http://www.020.co.uk without a problem. Then proceed to bid on what you want.

Most of your parents won't care or notice if you receive a package, but some of them (like mine) will get suspicious if you receive a large package. Fear not! I once read in some text that when buying something mail-order with a stolen credit card, use a drop site. This would work applied to covertly buying stuff on eBay too. So you should do something roughly like this: ship your package to some old person in your neighborhood who you do not know. Make up some crap story about how you just moved here, and your friend back home mailed you a package but got the address wrong and it was sent to the old guy's house. Tell them that you moved here so recently, you don't have a phone number yet if they ask for a phone number. Then it's as simple as going to pick up your package from the old guy.

I won't get into detail about using eBay, it has it's own extensive documentation, but here's a collection of some notes about this article and buying stuff on eBay. Why did I choose eBay and not another site like Yahoo Auctions? Because Yahoo is retarded in my opinion, and it's a bitch to create an adult account with them. Please try to act like an adult in your correspondence with the person who's selling your item, then they won't get suspicious. Unfortunately, eBay has banned a few types of items (lock pick sets) but many things (pellet guns, paintball guns, hell I've even seen wrist rockets) are still on eBay in large numbers. Finally, have fun and don't get caught.

--- Thrakmar

Diary Of A Beige Boxer
Written by Hyppy

First, some background. I have lived in my house now for 18 years, my entire life. Now that I am a legal adult, I feel I must do a service to the neighborhood that has brought me up. Phreaking has always been sort of a 'side hobby' for me. Yeah, I have done the usual alliance teleconferencing a few years back, as well as some red-boxing, before everything turned to COCOTs. Ahh well, they are fun all on their own. After learning every payphone in my city (outside Orlando, if you must know) I decided to take to my neighborhood with what is commonly known as a Beige Box. What fun those can be. As long as you don't get caught! See? That's the challenge in it. The privelidges of adulthood come with the increased consequences of wrongdoing. Well, then, I hope I don't get caught!

My first mission
Briefing: Infiltrate enemy HQ, place preventative measures in the communications, and confiscate important items. Townhouses can be quite interesting. They are even more interesting when I OWN the unit I live in, making any interior problems (Holes in the walls connecting to your neighbor's phone line) MY business. Said neighbor has been a bitch to me my entire life. Bitch doesnt even begin to decribe it, actually. Late one night, while scouring the net for new ideas for 'fun', I came across a few memoirs of another Boxer, RBCP. Though clearly fictional, his musings did give me quite a bit of inspiration. Loading up on my improvised linesman gear, I went into the crawlspace between my back room and the bitch's leisure room. At 3:00AM, this operation requires a bit of hush-hush. Not easy, considering I hit my head on the roof, which has roofing nails protruding. Expletives aside, I tried my best to act all spy-like. I stripped her phone line and added a 3-way switch. This switch serves two purposes: Disabling the only cordless in her house, and causing her line to be instantly busy. All at the flick of a wrist, which doesnt need to move much further than my computer chair. This will come in handy later. Lowering myself into the room, I promptly made a dash for the fridge and grabbed her last 6-pack of beer. Now, I'm ready for some serious phreaking! (What, you expected me to do much without alcoholic refreshment?)

Mission: Complete

Comments: I need to find someone with better taste in beer

The Phun Begins!
Briefing: Utilize the Beige Box for unauthorized phone calls to on the enemy's line Luckily for me, I live on an end unit. Also very lucky for me, the BellBox that controls the block's phone systems is located on my unit, behind a mass of very tall bushes. Even so, I decide to do this in the cover of dark. Donning my black combat fatigues (Army Surplus, the best thing to happen to phreaks since Radio Shack), Steel-toe, Rubber-soled boots, and improvised lineman kit (ImpLiK), I tip-toe through the darkness to the beighe (aptly colored) box on the side of my house. Adding a little beige of my own into the equation, I remove the cover (not even locked) and apply an pair of alligator clips to her line. *dialtone*. Bingo. Dial 1-212-395-2571. "Welcome to the NAMBLA Voice message system. We are the North American Man-Boy Lovers Association." You get the point. After a few rude messages, followed by her telephone number, I hang up.

Mission: Complete

Comments: NAMBLA, 'nuff said.

Being shitfaced drunk, I decide to retire to my bedroom, to plan the next night. Unfortunately for my neighbor, I am going on a little shopping trip tomorrow!

--- Hyppy

How To Get a Phreak in Bed
Written by sadisTic cLone
  1. the suduction
  2. catching the phreak
  3. how to get phreaky in bed

first, find your favorite local pay fone. hang out here daily, wearing PLA, cDc, or other shirts showing that you're interested in phreaking/hacking. if you want to be super cool, have cyber sex on the fone with friends and family to show that your sex drive is up. to make this more sucessful, bring a tone dialer along. when you see a cute boy, start the tones. if they respond, look casually at them and repeat, "can YOU find the tones?" of course you should have it in your pocket or other KINKY places.

now that you have found your phreak, you will need to capture him. to do this, you should go to a local phishing store and buy a giantic net. not the internet. a net. then, tell the phreak you'll meet him at your payfone on (day) at (time). then hide out in a tree near by. when he goes there, throw the net on him. if you're lucky, the net will work. if not, always bring along a gun of somesort. and shoot him in the knees then quickly drag your phreak to a near by alley or dark place. then drug him.

once you get him home. believe me, you won't have to go to the gym for awhile after this. tem fuckers heeeavy. now tie him down to your bed. if you don't have a four post bed, don't phear, take a long rope and tie one arm to the other, but have the rope under the bed. this will keep them nice and secure. if you think they might scream, go to your local gag shop. and buy a gag, duh. then, once he wakes up, HAVE FUN KIDDIES!

--- sadisTic cLone

[note from linear: geez, you could always just ask one nicely.]

Owning Your Town's Payphones, Because you can
Written by DeadRinger

It has recently come to my attention that www.mrwakeup.com can be used for some other interesting things besides waking yourself up, What, you ask? Well nothing you didnt think of already:
  • waking up your mom @ 4am
  • waking up your neighbors @ 4am
  • waking up the president @ 4am
  • waking up elderly people @ 4am

Ahh but when all this excitement gets tiresome, Mr Wakeup introduces


Mr. Notify..

A brief overview of Mr Notify:
  • Allows you to make a database of phone numbers and group them
  • These groups can be as large as you want
  • Mr Notify will call these groups at specified times
  • It will also call all the phones in each group simultaneously
  • Mr Notify is *legitimately* used for inviting friends to parties and the such
  • It will play a recorded message (it calls you up to record it over the phone)
  • It will also prompt an input of yes, no, or no response
  • You can check these responses online to see if anyone even picked up the phone

Anyway.. where am I going with this...? If you have no life, and if you're reading UPL, we can be sure of that one fact.. take a little trip to every bell phone with callback in your entire town. Write down all these numbers. make a group on Mr. Notify filled with these #'s. (I came up with about 45 numbers, about 35 actually recieved calls.) Now schedule Mr. Notify to call these phones with your pre-recorded message (This payphone has been 0wned by: "your name here"). The only thing is, Mr. Notify is sometimes 5 minutes early and up to half an hour late. What the fuck kind of wakeup service can be a half hour late?! "Whoops sorry, wake up you're really late for work, but you cant blame us we're a free service!"

--- DeadRinger

Getting Free Hotel Rooms
Written by The Visual Assassin

Now, so far, I haven't figured out a fool-proof way of getting a totally free hotel room, this is merely a 2 for the price of 1 deal. But I have done this many times and it hasn't failed me yet, plus, it really saves money on trips. Here's How it goes.

Go to a hotel, and check out a room. Go up to the room, and tear it up, i.e. rip off the sheets, take a shit in the toilet and don't flush it, tear up the Bible and throw it around the room or whatever. Use your imagination. Now, call the front desk. Tell them your room is dirty, they must not have cleaned it or something. They'll tell you to go down to the desk to get another room. When you leave, either don't shut the door all the way or leave a friend in there. Then, go to the desk, turn in the keys and get your other room. If they have the card keys, you can sometimes just put one card in the little envelope and keep the other one if you really need the key. After you've got a room, there's no end to the fun you can have with it. You can usually make long-distance calls, harrass the operator, etc. Then, before you check out, steal the fone, the pillows, whatever. The maids probably won't clean the room until about noon the next day, and if they walk in, just tell them you paid for the room and to fuck off. She probably doesn't speak english anyway.

--- The Visual Assassin

[note from linear: didn't they do this on Road Rules?]

Thank You Target
Written by lotech

Don't you just love going to Target, the shitty cameras, employees that just don't care, the many test rides on their five-dollar ghetto bikes. Well now there is a new fun and exciting way to go to target and the answer is, yes you guessed it FREE PHONE CALLS!@#$ Now I will tell you the true leetish ways that I found out this great resource. Ok so one day when I was walking home from school (which I live really close) I walked by my local strip mall I usually pass by when I walk home, but today I felt like doing something fun so I naturally walk into Target. Well when I was in target I was walking around looking for a phone that had no cameras near by. But this got boring so I just said fuck it! and started to use the phone from the jurally dept. (no one was there) but before I could make a call this one lady came up to me and said "Yo!" and me being the dumbass that I am I said "Yo Wassup! Do you work here" and she said "YEEEAH, and what jo doin on da phone" and im like "Yo man I jus wanna say Hi" then she got all pissed off at me, maybe because I was making fun of the way she talk, but anyway she said "YO I'll tell you who you can talk to!" and takes me to the security guard and in a very non-caring voice sez "Yah you can't use those phones ok" and i'm like " Oh ok". So now im like DAMN I gotta find another phone so I walk down one of the corners at the entrance and that's where I saw it "APPLY FOR A JOB" and under the sign was a booth with 2 peusdo Computer phone thingies so I walk over there and sit down. Soen I take a look at what these things are and it has a big lcd with what kinda looks like a termenal program open and it has two menus I forgot what there exactly called but it was like "Target Application" and the other one was like "Support" so I try out the target application and it's the useally, Name address...etc, so then I go to the other menu and it starts dialing really loud so I exit out of then really fast. And then I think hey maybe theres a way to make calls with this so after 30 secs of screwing around with the menus trying to exit it I look in the back of the phone and there I see it an AC plug so I unplug it and plug it on again and I see the main menu but then really fast it goes to the target menu. So then I was like god damn it how do I work this son of a bitch so than I pick up the phone to see if I can still call but theres no dial tone. Then I unplug it and plug it in again but this time I forgot to put the phone back on hook. So I look at the lcd to see what happened I saw that it was in the real main menu that had many things but the most exciting on was the "Make a Call" one so I select that one and so I dial the number that used to be meat bar and it works. So there you have it that's my Cock assed story on how I found out how to get phone calls that Target very nicely paid for. Now a real phreak could have found this out there self but for all of you that didn't know can now go over use it and make it not work any more :).

--- lotech

Shoplifting Tips
Written by somebody who forgot to give us his handle

I was reading some philes and I noticed a shit load of them refered to shoplifting, and the shoplifting philes were all the same. AND most everyone has made one, I thought hey, I suck too so I decided to make one.
  • Don't get caught
  • Use common sense.
  • If you can see someone, they can see you too, same with camera's.
  • camera's can't see underneath them, use that to your advantage.
  • Always take the magnetic strip off before attempting to leave, and stick it on someone that you don't like.
  • Wal-Mart likes to hide magnetic strips in packs of zip disks. Yeah I know that zip is gay but I don't have a burner yet :(
  • Take shit out of it's packaging, then there is no possibility of a magnetic strip.
  • Don't pull the ink tabs unless it's an item that your not going to steal, you know fuck up the clothes. duh.
  • Don't look all around suspiciously, look around causally. otherwise they'll be watching you.
  • take a friend along that doesn't look like a freak, like a bible thumper. but make sure that they are cool that your stealing, (supprises suck).
  • When stealing from circle K, always buy something, $1 soda, $12 worth of shit in your pockets.
  • ALWAYS WEAR CARGO pants\shorts. They carry more shit.
  • don't say "hey should I steal this?" everyone will know what you're talking about. Do what I do, "hey, should jack buy this for me?" use jack instead of steal.
  • When entering make a mental note of which side the old people are on. In Wal-Mart there is always a group of senior citizens handing out stickers. When leaving go to that side. There less likely to stop you or hear the, "you have set of the Wal-Mart doo hicky" and if they do try to stop you break some hips and false teeth.
  • Try not to stand out, look like an every day customer.
  • Don't be afraid to ask for help, that's what the queers in the blue vests are there for, plus they'll leave you alone after that.
  • Be nice to people, I was at WAL-MART and my cousin started growling at a little kid and we got sekurity kalled on us.
  • Steal when it's really busy, then the cashier won't see you. But good Samaritans might. be careful.
  • Remember it's not theft unless you leave the store with it. they don't arrest you for carrying shit around the store.
  • if you feel like every one is watching you or you have a bad feeling about that day, then don't do it. you are 99.9% right. it's ok to be worried, but not like where you contemplate every thing that your going to say to the officer.
  • the last thing, remember old people are nice, and don't for get your smiley face sticker on your way out.:)

Mainly be slick, don't get caught, and if you do then you fuked up. Have phun and steal something for me too. This is made for educational purposes, the writer in no way intended or promotes theft.:)

[note from linear: will the author of this article please contact me?]

Chat Log Happy Fun Time Land
Written by Various Losers

     ICQ History Log For:   
         42907261  Colleen Card

Colleen    9/3/00   I don't have any friends :( Will you be my

linear     9/3/00   bah, if i was your friend it would ruin my

Colleen    9/3/00   I can't believe you would say that after all
                    we've ment to eachother!

linear     9/3/00   i am so over you!

Colleen    9/3/00   I thought what we had was special!

Colleen    9/3/00   But all that stuff you said in my guestbook!
                    Were you lieing?

linear     9/3/00   what i said was a mistake, i was drunk!

Colleen    9/3/00   But what about the kids?!?

linear     9/3/00   they're probably not even mine!

Colleen    9/3/00   How can you say that! The other guys in my
                    guestbook ment nothing to me!

linear     9/3/00   LIAR! That Doktor Che guy told me all about it

Colleen    9/3/00   Who's that? Another one of your gay lovers???

linear     9/3/00   That guy who signed your guestbook! So many
                    people signing it these days that you just
                    forget their names? That's disgusting Colleen!

Colleen    9/3/00   Look I cook your food, and clean your toilet
                    and what do I get???? No thanks, thats it! yOU
                    can cook your own roasted winnies and macaroni!

Colleen    9/3/00   I told you thier signing means nothing, the
                    pleasure is brief, if you would sign it more I
                    wouldn't need other people to sign it!

linear     9/3/00   I might as well, your cooking is crap colleen!

Colleen    9/3/00   You told me my macaroni was the best you've
                    ever had! You said nobody had ever made it
                    with lard and water for you before!

linear     9/3/00   I was lying! I didn't want to lose you
                    colleen! but it's too late for that now!

Colleen    9/3/00   Oh please don't say that! I'll tell RBCP about
                    the whole sorted thing! This time I sware I

linear     9/3/00   You would really do that, all for me?

Colleen    9/3/00   I promise its the truth this time!

linear     9/3/00   well, i guess i can forgive you this time,
                    considering all that we've been through....

Colleen    9/3/00   OKay!

*** Now talking in #jen
<linear> i changed my background to black and text to green in mIRC so i can
 be a hacker
<nawleed> haha
*** nawleed changes topic to '<linear> i changed my background to black and
text to green in mIRC so i can be a hacker'
<nawleed> ahhh hacker
<nawleed> HACKERFIGHT!
<nawleed> KUYAAAH!@$#
<linear> HIYACK!
<linear> ::POW::
<nawleed> ::THWAP::
<linear> ::BOOM::
<nawleed> ::ZORT::
<linear> ::CRASH!::
<nawleed> ::BANG!::
<linear> ::KIMPH::
<nawleed> ::KERPLUNK::
<linear> ::MUKE::
<nawleed> ::SNORTLE::
<linear> ::CRANK::
<nawleed> ::GORF::
<linear> ::EESH::
<nawleed> ::SHURM::
<linear> ::ZOOT::
<nawleed> ::BLAGM::
<linear> ::PLUNGE::
<nawleed> ::SPAT::
<linear> ::TORT::
<nawleed> ::SPORK::
<linear> ::KIMP::
<nawleed> ::SPOOGE::
<linear> ::GESH::
<nawleed> ::NARL::
<linear> ::SLEDGE::
<nawleed> ::BEAT::
<linear> ::POOF::
<nawleed> ::FORK::
<nawleed> argh
<linear> oh god, enough of this!
<nawleed> did I win?
<linear> uh, i guess so
<nawleed> woohoo!

<cLone_v2> id be the only one with ur number
<cLone_v2> and i'm the nicest person in the world
<linear> that sounds like something HITLER might say
<nawleed> yeah, you remind me an awful lot of HITLER
<cLone_v2> :(

Harry Tuttle tries to be a Canadian... He fails:

Session Start: Tue Aug 29 22:24:29 2000
Session Ident: ``Karim`` (digital@nas-50-66.houston.navipath.net)
<``Karim``> where u from ?
<tuttle> CANADA!
<tuttle> what aboot you eh?
<``Karim``> in usa
<tuttle> i heard they talk funny in the usa, eh?
<``Karim``> don know
<tuttle> oh, you're deaf, that's too bad.
<``Karim``> good for me
<tuttle> I don't understand your dialect, eh
<``Karim``> nevermind
<``Karim``> best wishes
<``Karim``> bye
<tuttle> i wish i had a turtle
Session Close: Tue Aug 29 22:28:27 2000

Letters To UPL
Written by Various Winners

From: "Jacob ."
To: Rufus T. Firefly
Sent: Saturday, September 30, 2000 11:16 PM
Subject: "ANARCHY IN THE ARCADE!!!^%@$&"

What the fuck is wrong with you? You forgot "Play the same game for hours on one credit past the closing time of the arcade to keep the employees from leaving. Bitch heavily when they turn the machines off, and demand extra money back due to lost glory"

Anyone with two hands and a very high tolerance for boredom can play "Gauntlet Legends" on the castle stage indefinitely. Galaga and Shadows Over Mystaria can also be played for huge amounts of time on a single credit. Didn't you ever have people playing the same damn game for half an hour after the place should have closed, whining about losing their money when you finally pull the plug?

[Heehee, I just pull the plug and kick people out at closing no matter how much they bitch. ("Screw you, public! Dis is MAH house!") Besides, Gauntlet Legends is usually set up by cheap-ass managers to slowly run your health meter down, even when you're not getting hit. If you've found one where it doesn't gyp you like that, guard this valuable resource with your life. All the games in the place I work at really suck, so nobody wants to play them for half an hour anyway. -- RTF]

From: Jacob
To: linear
Date: Saturday, September 30, 2000 9:18 PM
Subject: You've got the spine of a tadpole, man

Hi, I was just reading UPL021 because it's a fine alternative to writing boring papers on plato, and I noticed that you suddenly lost your spine and had it replaced with a vaguely pudding-like substance.

Specifically, your response to Colleen cards totally off-base letter about that stupid "Hacking girls the cyberpunk way" article. She proposes that the article shouldn't have been published because of "bad taste". Are you fucking insane? BAD TASTE?! Sure, it shouldn't have been published because it wasn't really all that funny, but bad taste? Must I explain how stupid that is? YOU REGULARLY PUBLISH LYRICS TO BAD SONGS WITH LAME COMPUTER/PHONE THEMES. An article on the most efficient way to execute Jews is in better taste than that! Jesus!

Oh, and she mentions "Social Engineer the Depresses(sic) Computer Nerd into Killing Himself". Get her to write this. Seriously.

[my response....]

From: linear
To: Jacob
Subject: Re: You've got the spine of a tadpole, man
Date: Sunday, October 01, 2000 11:48 AM

Spineless as it may be, I stand by my words to colleen card. That article was not in bad taste because it sucked (like most our articles), but because it was just plain wrong. It's not like I buckled to Colleen, if you notice when I first released that issue, there was already a little semi-disclaimer at the bottom of it.

And your comment about "most efficient way to execute Jews is in better taste than that!" really makes me question just who the hell my audience is. If this is the people UPL is attracting, then maybe UPL needs a to take a new direction entirely, or, take no direction at all.

So I don't feel I owe any apologies for being "spineless" when in fact what I did (apologizing to my readers) was a result of my personnal believes towards women. If this is considered spineless, then so be it.

If you do not like reading a zine who's editor has a conscience, then by all means, stop reading UPL. This is the first article I've apologized for, but you never know - it might not be the last.

[his response...]

From: Jacob .
To: linear
Date: Sunday, October 01, 2000 10:34 PM
Subject: Re: You've got the spine of a tadpole, man

Don't apologize for being spineless! You've done too much apologizing already! Really, the apology was more degrading to women than any lame article could ever be. "Sorry ladies, I didn't realize that you couldn't handle it." C'mon man! Live on the edge! Offend people once in a while! Say it with me: "Jesus Sucks!" "The Beatles Suck!" "The president sucks!" "Everyone Sucks!" If there's anything that really gets my shlong in a knot, it's coddling folks who've been scarred by all that glorious tastelessness. Listen to that deeper conscience and contribute to the greater good: the growth of American Cynicism.

And I'm not a nazi, I was just illustrating how terrible those songs-with-replaced-lyrics are. It was just a metaphor, sheesh.

[my response...]

From: linear
To: Jacob .
Subject: Re: You've got the spine of a tadpole, man
Date: Monday, October 02, 2000 3:38 PM

If you read my letter a little more carefully, you would have realized the whole point of it was to tell you that I refuse to apologize to you for doing what was right.

Regarding 'Sorry ladies, I didn't realize that you couldn't handle it.', I'm thinking perhaps you should re-read my initial apology if that is what you got out of it. Or perhaps you need clarification of the word "offensive".

Obviously I would never have any problem saying stuff like 'Jesus sucks', 'the Beatles sucked', 'the President sucks', because my own opinions/beliefs justify it. However, my view toward women counter-justifies my decision to publish that article. THAT is whay I apologized, not because I offended anyone, but it went against what I myself believe.

So again, re-read my original reply to you, because at no time did I apologize to you, and at no time will I. Your opinions do not mean much to me, because what I can see of you in the two letters you have sent me, you're not the kind of person I care to associate with. Again, I advise you to stop reading UPL if you get so bent out about an apology I made in it, or song parodies.

[his response...]

From: Jacob .
To: linear
Date: Monday, October 02, 2000 9:03 PM
Subject: Re: You've got the spine of a tadpole, man

Yeah, but if you read my first letter, you'd realize that I never even remotely asked for any sort of apology. I said "Don't apologize, man!" because you responded with the impression that I wanted one. Why would I? That'd be worse than the original apology.

Also, just out of curiosity, what are your views toward women? Is there a subset of these views that prevents you from publishing badly-written articles that make fun of stereotypes?

Oh, and I don't really get bent up about apologies or song lyrics or any of that (If it seems I'm angry about something, I'm not. Writing abrasively is a genuine hobby.). I just think it's a shame to see the next generation become enveloped by politically correct indoctrination, politically correct subversion, and the international politically correct conspiracy to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids.

[my response...]

From: linear linear@phonelosers.net
To: Jacob . qz3@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: You've got the spine of a tadpole, man
Date: Tuesday, October 03, 2000 5:59 PM

Apparently I'm a PC-Fascist because I care.

[his response...]

From: Jacob .
To: linear
Date: Tuesday, October 03, 2000 6:49 PM
Subject: Re: You've got the spine of a tadpole, man

About WHAT?

[my response...]

From: linear
To: Jacob .
Subject: Re: You've got the spine of a tadpole, man
Date: Wednesday, October 04, 2000 3:45 PM

Obviously not your opinions, guy.

[his response...]

From: Jacob .
To: linear
Date: Thursday, October 05, 2000 12:12 AM
Subject: Re: You've got the spine of a tadpole, man

That's not very PC-Facist of you. Be consistent goddamnit!

[my response...]

From: linear
To: Jacob . 
Subject: Re: You've got the spine of a tadpole, man
Date: Thursday, October 05, 2000 3:49 PM

Perhaps you should look up the word 'sarcasm'

[his response...]

From: Jacob . 
To: linear
Date: Saturday, October 07, 2000 7:40 PM
Subject: Re: You've got the spine of a tadpole, man

You were being sarcastic when you said you didn't care about my opinions? I'm touched! You love me.. you really really love me!

[my response...]

From: linear
To: Jacob . 
Subject: Re: You've got the spine of a tadpole, man
Date: Sunday, October 08, 2000 11:52 AM

You done yet?

[no further responses]

From: "Rick Sung"
To: Rufus T. Firefly
Subject: Shoplifting Question
Date: Thu, 24 Aug 2000 15:52:43 PDT

Dear Rufus T. Firefly, I read your article on shoplifting in UPL; it was very useful for me. But I need to ask a very important question: I had heard a rumor that by covering the white security label (on videos and such) with magnetic tape, the sensors would be effectively blocked. Is there any truth to this?

Your Friend In Anarchy,
The Fourth Horseman

[There are so many different types of security labels out there these days that it's probably impossible to tell if that will work in your store. A foolproof way to test it would be to bring some of your magnetic tape and a roll of scotch tape into the store. Find a shady spot in which to work, get hold of a tag, wrap it with your magnetic, and then wrap it in your scotch tape facing outwards, so you have a sticky messy thing. Then drop it in some high traffic area near the exit, wait for some unsuspecting fool to step on it, and see if they set off the bells and whistles when they leave. Fun! -- RTF]


    The United Phone Losers are not role models. The things described in this document should never be tried by anyone. In fact, you shouldn't have even read this file. What would your mother say if she caught you reading  this? You make us sick! Oh, and when the authorities ask where you got all this information, just say Cult of the Dead Cow or something.

                "Wasn't me, Slim Shady Said To Do It Again!"

United Phone Losers




Jaded              Harry Tuttle

Jc                        el caco

Rufus T. Firefly                nawleed