• Introduction: Written by linear
• What ever happened to el caco? Written by el caco
• Modem Brown Box: Written by Phractal
• Public Address Systems: Written by Twisted Faith
• How to get on Ma Bell's bad side: Written by spYDir
• Late H2K Review: Written by CompuDroid
• Money Order Fun: Written by Thrakmar
• Diary Of A Beige Boxer: Written by Hyppy
• How To Get a Phreak in Bed: Written by sadisTic cLone
• Owning Your Town's Payphones, Because you can: Written by DeadRinger
• Getting Free Hotel Rooms: Written by The Visual Assassin
• Thank You Target: Written by lotech
• Shoplifting Tips: Written by an unknown submitter
• Chat Log Happy Fun Time Land: Written by Various Losers
• Letters To UPL: Written by Various Winners
• Disclaimer

Introduction Written by linear

Oh God, is this issue late. But it's not my fault! I swear! What with school (Yes, I'm actually trying in school this year so I don't kicked off the ComedySportz team [competitive improv]), Impulse Reality (a non h/p zine I've started to get really into working with lately) and my girlfriend (yes, I have a girlfriend now, and somehow I've been having a real life lately - like actually DOING stuff... I know, I'm scared too...) it's like I no longer have time for UPL anymore. But don't worry, just because I'm getting lazy with UPL doesn't mean it's going anywhere. But I fear you might have start waiting longer in between issues, especially if article submissions don't improve.

Apologies for how sloppily put together this issue is. Oh, and just to make it official, el caco is back and once again a member of the UPL staff!

What ever happened to el caco? Written by el caco

Hey folks I know it's been a while since anyone has heard from me (and some of you new people don't even know me), but I've been a little busy. I've been in Georgia, doing the army thing. For what it's worth the army isn't worth it. Waking up at 4am sucks.

I did basic training at the prestigious Ft Benning, GA. Home of the Infantry. I learned to march a lot. And wake up at 4 and do PT (physical training). I had to make my bed, go to sleep at 9pm and eat when the told me to. It sucked. There were almost no females on the whole of Ft Benning. I graduated from basic on Aug 24 in the year of my nuts 2000. Then I got to come to the other side of georgia and stay at Ft Gordon. Home of the Army's Signal School. It's not so bad here. I have a lot more freedom here, but I still have to wake up at 4 and do pt, but then I have to go to school afterward. School, like school everywhere sucks. All I learn is electronics, my job in the army will be Special Electronics Device Repair. Whoop de doo. I'll be fixing night vision goggles (a controlled item, that means if one comes up missing the whole base gets locked down and no one leaves until it's found), chemical agent detectors, chemical agent monitors and mine detectors. All real hi tech shit. I've got some dumb motherfuckers in my class though. We tear it up on the weekends though. I personally go out and drink at least one night of every weekend.

The army has given me a lot. I have a cell phone (prepaid and for some reason it's not receiving incoming calls right now, but you can call me at 706-284-2510 any time day or night to see if it works right yet. try calling on the weekend though cause most of the time i don't carry it to school, not allowed), I own a tv/vcr, I'm getting a playstation 2 when it comes out, I'm looking to get an 85 jetta. The army is treating me well. But don't join. Don't be dumb like me.

Right now i'm looking for a lucky phoneloser who is willing to let me come to their house for thanksgiving. It's going to be a 4 day weekend and I can't afford to go all the way home to california. If you live in the south or on the east coast and are willing to board a fellow phoneloser for a few days then drop me a line at ysiddiq {at} hotmail {dot} com

And SQ don't think I haven't forgotten about you. I've got beatings to do and pr0n to download and show your mom and a sandwich to eat. Well as far as the beatings and pr0n go I'm not gonna do it. But as far as I know you are the closest phoneloser to me right now, only about 150 miles. If I knew where you lived I could go up there sometime. Drop me a line man. ysiddiq {at} hotmail {dot} com

If you think this article sucked, you can suck my cock bitch!@#$%

Modem Brown Box Written by Phractal

Using your modem as a bridge for two seperate lines to create '3-way  calling'

This is a common scenario that many dialup users of the interenet have on their computers. Many people have two phone lines at home, for the convienience of being connected to the internet via telephone and also being able to use the other line for voice calls.

In this diagram, we start out with two seperate phone lines, each having their own unique telephone number of course. One line supplies Phone A with access to a dialtone. Line two plugs directly into the modem. Almost all telephone modems have two phone jacks. One is meant for the incoming phone line (ie the line coming from the wall), and the other is meant to attach to phone (Phone B), which can be used when the modem is not in use, and will operate on the same line as line 2, naturally. This is where 'I' and 'O' labeled on the modem come into place. The 'I' stands for input, and the 'O' stands for output. On many modems, the input jack is labeled 'Line', and the output jack is labeled 'Phone'. When the modem is not in use, think of it as a router for Line 2 to Phone B.


With some tinkering, all the materials described and illustrated above can  be used to create a bridge of two seperate phone lines. This means that you can call two seperate phone numbers and communicate with the people on the recieving line at the same time, and they can hear you, and they can hear each other, and not just you. In laymen's terms, it's three way calling. It isn't really three way calling, because actual three calling is a service offered by the telephone company to a single phone line, but this plan has the exact same effect as actual three way calling. It is cheaper to have one phone line with the three way calling plan, than to have two phone lines,  but if you have/need/prefer two phone lines, you can use this method to make three way calling using two phone lines. This is totally legal as well. You can do this same procdedure with a phone that accepts 2 lines.

To achieve this method of three way calling, setup your modem, phones and phone lines in the following manner:


Phone A and B are both unplugged from their previous destinations. They need to be plugged into other telephone jack terminals for Line 1 and Line 2. Be in mind, these are still the same Lines that were mentioned before. At the original terminal, Line 1 directly from the wall is now unplugged (but get ready to plug into Input/Line modem jack on modem), and directly from the wall, line two is plugged into the the Phone or Output jack.

Instructions for three way calling operation:

1. Pick up Phone B connected to Line 2 and hear a dialtone. Dial a phone number of someone you want to speak to.
2. While talking on Phone B once they've picked up and you've confirmed a connection, plug line 1 into the Input/Line jack of the modem.
3. You should hear a dialtone, but you are still also connected to your friend who you previously called. You can still hear eachother if you speak loud enough over the dialtone. This dialtone is the dialtone of Line 1.
4. Pick up Phone A, which is connected to Line 1 and dial a number of  someone you wish to speak to. You should hear the tones of the numbers being dialed on Line 2/Phone B, as well as Phone A of course. The dialtone will stop as it always does once you enter a DTMF tone.
5. If all goes well, and the third party picks up, both of the people can talk to you, hear you, and hear eachother, hence three way calling.

***NOTE***
With step  4, you can dial the third party directly from your second line,  or in this case, Phone B. I told you to dial from Phone A because it better illustrates how this works.

Also, reset to original setup to get online :)

Why this works.
The Output jack for the modem also accepts input over a phone line, because otherwise, how would you talk to someone on a phone routed through a modem, without them hearing you. Your voice is the input.

The Modem thinks that the lines you connected in diagram 2 are one phone line. And since the Line 2 is connected to the output modem jack and then to the wall, instead of an individual phone, the modem is now in essence, 'connected' with the rest of the phones all hooked up to line 2.

The thing that triggers the whole thing is when you connect line 1 to the modem. Now, I'm not totally sure why this part happens, but I think it's the modem trying to figure all of this out. So here's my hypothesis: The modem recognizes that there is activity on Line 2, so it opens up the Input jack for information automatically, and therefore, you get an auto-dialtone when you insert Line 1 into the 'Line/Input' Modem jack. The modem is basically taking the phone off the hook on the Input jack. And it's all ready for you once you insert Line 1.

Slackware ownz!

Public Address Systems Written by Twisted Faith

In 1989 when I was in the 2nd grade I noticed that when ever I was in trouble they would ask for me to come down to the main office using the loud speakers. They would sit me down, ask me why I started the fire or why I was missing so much school. Which in return I would reply by saying fire warm or redrum. They didn't need to waste my time with such stupid things, and they didn't need to tell the whole school I was in deep shit to boot.

From my past I had learn from destroying my sisters "Speak and Spell" that when I touched the speaker wires together they would make a very sharp noise or would deaden the speaker so no sound could be generated. And after my sister would beat me to death for braking her toys I would gather what was left of my teeth and go and play with my "Magic talker"(A toy that was made in the late 80's that would change your voice to sound like just about anything) I had learned from cutting the line of my Magic talk that I could make the speaker cord box farther from the mic so I could cut back on feedback. I thought that maybe I could turn my school into a giant magic talk after the show were the Thundercats turned there ship into a giant sonic speaker to destroy the ice Monster from his ice monster planet Icemon , phew. So the next day I got my tools (A butter-knift, duck-tap and a G-I-Joe named Hawk)And(wait one second, are you laughing mother fucker, are you laughing at my G-I-Joe, that mother fucking G-I-Joe gots Cong foo grip bitch! Now can i go on please.) went around to the back of the main office and looked for the main cable box that runs all the speaker wires to different wing's of the school. I got down on one knee and took out my butter-knift and before i knew it my ass was picked up and thrown into the fucking princibles office and my mother was called and I was sent home. And after i was beat to death because i had a "weapon" at school, i pissed my pants and never tryed something like that at that school again.

Many moons later in the 10th grade I had just changed schools and visited my mother who had saved all my childhood toys. To my surprise I found something that I had thought been lost, yup, you guessed it,my G-I-Joe mother fucker! Oh yeah, and my Magic talk, it brought up old memories oh what I had once tried to do, and with my skills being just a little better then my butter-knift day's I took it upon myself to see if I could do what I once failed to do. And after I played war with my G-I-Joe and showing him whos boss I thought about the P.A. system at my knew school. I noticed it was different then the other school I resonantly went to were there P.A. system was just like one big phone, were all you did was dial a number, the number they picked for an all call was 911. I still think that they are the stupidest people alive, what would of happened if some dude with a gun busted up in the office and killed everybody but a T.A. and he tryed to call for help, but, yup, he coulden't call 911 and all he got was a all-call and because he's a nerd nobodys going to take him seriously with his nerdish voice and everyone will fuck off, and die. Well, i also kinda thought would of been kinda cool.

The one at my new school was a little old fashion, all the line needed was for a circuit to be complete and there you go. It was nothing more then you guessed it, a giant Magic talker waiting to happen. The next day I scouted around my school looking for a remote place were I could sit and think about what IM going to do if I can get it to work. I found out that they ran everything, I mean everything into the Gem in a little closet. I waited ‘til I had PE, witch was 1 period before Lunch and jammed a door open in the back of the gem with a pencil. So I ditched my slutty girlfriend and came into the gem, walked to were the closet was, reached out to turn the door knob and sure enough, it was locked. So I used my mad lock picking skills and kicked the door in! I looked around and found a metal box with a little kiddy lock on it witch I popped off with my pen. I looked inside and to my joy I not only saw the main junction for the P.A. system, I also saw the bell system and the phones that ran to the office. I could tell that these were them, somebody wrote it on a peace of tape on each unit, and it had allot of little things on it that said what went to what. I hooked up my little mini-phone to it and said, "Doop"! And it echoed across the school, and after i pissed my pants i jumped for joy saying "im so 313370, YAY" i thought it works it works, I have control over the whole school I said. I didn't know what to really do, I just sat there thinking of something I could do, so when the bell rang for my next class I just left. The next day I did the same thing, just this time I hooked two of the wires from what I think was the counseling offices part of the phone system to the cheap ass bell system, I choose to hook the ringer part of the phone line to the bell systems test switch for testing fire alarms. I ran all the wires to the back of the box so it wouldn't be so noticable. Then I closed the box, walked out of the room and back to the quad (lunch area) and not 2 minuntes after that the bells started to ring. And they rang for the next fucking three days till they figured out that somebody had messed with the system, it took one more day to figure out where. And here i was, rolling, it was hella funny to see everybody just so confused.

Public Address system's (P.A.) are not limited to just schools. In 1995 one of the most famous people I know,(next to the Ronald Mcdonald) RBCP, took over the Fred Meyer's pageing system. Now if you didn't already know Fred Meyer's is a very big store, its about the size of 3 normal wal-marts. What he did was trick the stores operator into transforing him from a remote (his house) phone off site to the pageing systems extantion. Giving him the same power as a store employee pageing somebody in the store. Of course he just didn't say "hay Bob come to Lights in Lane 3" no no, he played around and had fun pranking the store. If you would like to read more about this story please visit www.phonelosers.org/viewpla.html issue 25.

Now when i first read this in early 98 i didn't think it was going to work. I thought for sure that allot of losers probable ruined it before me and somebody like wal-mart was allot smarter now and pached up all those holes. But I was not shocked to prove myself wrong, turn's out that they have the same people greating you at the door as they do picking up the phones. Just some 80 year old fart thats working for 5.75 an hour. I spent a part of my day before looking around the store for a phone that might have a list of numbers on it. I found one and scanned the numbers, but turns out they just didn't post the all call number right there, turns out they got a little smart and kept it private to just employes. So i walked into house wares and asked a clerk stocking the shelfs if he could use the pageing system for me because i couldn't find my friend. Him not really wanting to get up from his very busy time repriceing rash-cream gave me the number and went on with his very exciting job. I walked over to the Phone they have every ten lanes and dialed the number, i asked for David to come to Sporting goods and hung up. Then i copyed the number that this phone goes to and went out side. I picked up the phone, and called the store, i asked to be connected to the number, i think it was 9820, then somebody else picked up and i asked them to connect me to 9832. Then i said something i will never forget, i said:

"What the fuck are you guys thinking, red on black, ahhh. ssssshhhhHHhhh" *click*

I know im no Pioneer, everything I've done and said has been done before, i just thought you might like to know that it still Works and it wouldn't be a whole waste of your time if you tryed it. And also i haven't gone to sleep in about 2 1/2 days and got kinda board. And knowing UPL they will put this in the next issue, and here it is. Sometimes, just sometimes crap like this makes me cry, as i said, sometimes. But the whole point to life has come down to one thing for me, "communication", its the key to growth, and i thought maybe i might get some people out there that will take the time to read what i have to write and give me another reason for life other then trying to get the little spots floating in front of my face to stop laughing at me, LITTLE FUCKERS STOP LAUGHING AT ME, PLEASE STOP IT... I'LL KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!

How to get on Ma Bell's bad side Written by spYDir

Tired of beige boxing? Sick of building obsolete boxes? Well then, welcome to the exciting world of telco bashing, crashing, harrassing, stealing!

Choose to follow this file at your own risk, I, the writer am not repsonsible for your actions.

How to have some phun.
Goto a large telephone network interface, these are about 4 feet tall and 2 1/2 feet wide and about 8 inches thick. These usually have one or two latches on them, use a 7/16's wrech to undue the bolts and then the latches should come un-done. NOw open this baby up. You'll probably see all of these panels that are somewhere around 6 inches long you'll see a lot of these, and each panel holds 25 phone lines, and in one of those boxes, it could actually contain around 1700 lines, (so heard from a linemen, but I am too lazy to do the math). Now that you're in there, look for adapters in the corners of the box, or sometimes tied in by string. You'll also sometimes see a punchout tool. But anyways, take what ever isn't connected to a phone line or something that could damage any lines in tha box if removed. Some of the adapters in there can be used to slip into the lines by way of linemens handset.

Bell manholes, interesting, but deadly, well can be... if you ever decide to go into a bell manhole, try and pick one out that has been recently used, because methane (spelling?) can build up down there, which can be deadly. also if it was recently used, you wont have so much water on the bottom. Also, the covers have (usually) "Bell system" on them and weigh a fucking ton (well, not really), but get a few people, a few crowbars and some serious ass peer pressure. what you'll find in there is basically a junction connection (telephone network interface) of a good amount of lines, and rumored, tools such as handsets, but most likely not, but that doesn't exclude other tools!

Telco trucks
go down to your local telco office that has linemen vans parked there. Half the time they even leglect to lock the vans, so take advatage of this, if you are so daring to go inside, look for Linemen's handset, tools that you may want, and manuals. And anything else appealing such as a hard hat. Then, have your girlfriend (if you aren't too dorkish to not have one) put the HArd hat on, and hold the linemens handset and nothing else, and then take a picture of it, and send it to PLA or UPL, (go to the PLA gallery on phonelosers.org and look for something like nekid amy or something)

More junction boxes
In some parts around my city, I am finding tni's that hold about 200 lines or so (estimated), and they are at the bottom of eletrical, etc... poles with large telco can's on the tops of them, so linemen dont have to climb all the way up there. And they are soo easy o open, they usually only have 1 or 2 latches that you require no tools but your hands to open. but be careful on windy days, cause when these suckers get blown open, they can make a pretty loud noise! I have found telco tools in these types of boxes that were tied in by nylon string, so bring a knife or something and a flashlight. PLus, I have also noticed that linemen write little notes for other linemen on the cover sometimes.

Hope you found this somewhat informative...

H2K Review Written by CompuDroid

Ahh H2k, the even I have been waiting for over a year to arrive has come and gone. What can say about? Not too much, mostly the vodka's fault. The following is a description of the events as I remember them.

FRIDAY 6a.m.

Zeno Strifer and I wake up after only 4 hours of sleep ready to hack the planet. While dressing in the spiffiest suits we own, cause after all being a hacker is all about looking cool, I receive a phone call from fellow Zoo Crew member OSJedi. To our woe we learn he will not be attending H2k. Why might you ask would a hacker who lives 35 minutes away from H2k not attend? NitePhreak tagged along with us just to annoy us. If he isn't mentioned for long periods of time it isn't because he wasn't there, it's because he's an idiot and I dont feel like writing down all of the dumb shit he did. I dunno, he must be retarded. Getting on the train we spout jibberish at each other while other riders stare at the half-punks, half-businessmen making asses of themselves.

When we finally arrive at the con we get our tickets and count up out cash. Collectivly Zeno and I have $321.00 (Zeno had a dollar). Being that a hotel costs $340 for the two nights we go and find a bank to take out another $200 for room and board. Due to the incredible unorginization of the HSBC (I dunno what it stands for either) we miss the first three panels. We get back just in time for "High School Horror tales. It sucked.

Being the hackers that we are, we decide to decode all of the secret information on our H2k badges. They contained a magnetic strip and a barcode. First we put them under a black light to make sure there was no secret ultraviolet printing. Nope. we tried to decode the barcode by hand into binary. The lines were way too small to keep track of how many tenths of a millimeter long each different partition is. If we had a print scanner we could have scanned it up and counted pixils but alas not one goddamn hacker at H2k brought one. We decide to hit RadioShack for parts to build a magentic Strip reader. Before entering we hide out H2k badges so security (the dumb clerk) doesn't watch us extra close. We steal eveything we need except for a pack of AA batteries which we pay for. (Hey, we're nice guys.) As I'm handing the jerkoff his cash I put my H2k badge back on just to let him know he just got fucked over.

Back at the hotel a million goddamn people stopped to ask what we were doing on the lobby floor with a few dozen rat shack parts. Haven't these people ever seen a goddamn hacker building a mag strip reader at a conference before? JEEEZUS! One of these people, Citadel, turned out to be from Minnisota (dontcha know) and knew ex-ZooCrew member HyperBurn. Another one of them was DeadRinger who turned out to be extremely cool. He invited us to his hotel room cause he had some extra wire. Aparantly we bought the wrong gauge wire and it was really hard to stick in our experimenter socket. I swear, I bought the wrong guage on purpose, we're not idiots, no, SHADDAP! His room was pretty phatty (or so we thought). Kinda small but he had all of his scanner equiptment out (monitoring H2k security) some phatty transmiters. We drank. Now, this is where the whole weekend get fuzzy so bear with me. We knocked on the suite door to ask whoever was next door if they had any extra cups for making screwdrivers. They turned out to be punk rockers also here for the H2k con. We drank more. Then we ordered four pillows from room service every 15 minutes. We also threw lots of stuff out the window. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

At some point sometime after that we're walking around and we run into Bernie S. He designed the H2k badges and saw us messing with our circuitry so we talked to him. He told us that the mag strip was just there for decoration (lazy hacker) but the barcode did in fact have a message on it. Since we already determined that it in fact it would be a real bitch to decode the barcode without any equiptment and we didn't feel like building a barcode reader (mostly cause it involved digital timing circuitry opposed to our mag strip reader which was analog and starting over from scratch might cut into some of our drinking time) so we scrapped the project for then.

We checked out the FreeBSD room and learned we don't know how to use FreeBSD so we left. We hit a bunch more panels which you don't want to hear about because you were probably there and if you weren't, well tough shit. We hit hotel room, sucked down some beers and waited for "Freedom Downtime" to begin. Or as Jello Biafra later called it "Freedom Download" (do some homework). We discussed a telephone anomoly which the two punks, Lunakrist and ChargedPunk had discovered. Aparently in a certain NJ exchange if you dialed any 4 digit combination you would get a typical "This line has been disconnected" or whatever bullshit. BUT, if you dialed 5 digits you would get all kinds of special operator shit. If you've seen this before or can shed some light email me.

Well it was time for "Freedom Download" so we hit the movie room and it was PACKED! we were like fuck this so we got some laptops together and connected to the T1. We got like 25 to as good as 100k/sec. Not great for a T1 but hell, there were million other hackers porno on it so it was bogged down. We followed everyone else's lead and downloaded porno and Quake 2. That was fun for a while, then we hit the FreeBSD lab and wrote password snatcher to save a copy of anyone's login/password how logged in to the machines we installed it at. People kept diabling it deleting out logs. In the end we got 3 valid passwords. w00h00. We went back to the hotel room and ordered more pillows and threw more stuff out of the window. We didnt know where DeadRinger was so I forced to break down his suite door with my steel toed ska shoes. That was fun. We got our shit ouf there and listened to security get restless. We also drank more. The rest of that night mostly involved drinking and hacking. I don't remember all too much. I do remember that I didn't go to sleep and that was fun. Late at night the T1 and BSD rooms turned into a mess. Everyone was drinking openly and you couldnt see much farther than 20 feet away because of all of the ciggarette smoke. Thank god the smoke detectors were fake (or dismanteled at least). At around 6 in the morning we chilled in our dual hotel room and watched "Snacky" try and sell some butter looking stuff that makes your hair soft some something on infomercials.

WAKE UP TIME! Too bad we didn't go to sleep. We caught Jello Biafra's two hour long speech which demonstrated his complete lack of what this con was about. "Err, I'm JELLO BIAFRA! APPARANTLY MICROSOFT IS PUTTING SOMETHING CALLED A 'COOKIE' ON YOUR COMPUTER TO MONITOR YOU!" Good work Jello. I kinda dozed off that that a little bit. A little later on (after ordering more pillows and throwing more stuff out of the window of course) we caught a really cool panel on the robotic graphiti writer. It was a big remote controled car that was loaded with 5 spray cans. It would spray pre-programed messages accorss a span of 20 feet on the ground. The guy who built it demonstrated by writing "FUCK THE MPAA" on a long spool or paper rolled out on the ground whoch was later hung up in the T1 room.

Cult of the Dead Cow did their media whore show. cDc is insane. It was pretty cool, the only problem was they kept telling us about software they ahd recently written which was going to be released at "DEFCON". Well motherfuckers I don't live half an hour away from Nevada, give me the software now! Those crazy fucks put on a good show. Later on they asked Zeno if we wanted to go to a bar with them. He said no. I wasn't there at the time and it probably would have been hella cool to get drunk (again) with the cDc. Then on the other hand those fucks are nuts enough sober, not sure I wanna be to close to them when they're fucked up without a chastity belt.

That night we had a great idea "Hey, lets order more pillows and throw more stuff out of the window!". It was the best idea we had ever had. I'm so glad we though of it. I havn't introduced them but Premium286 and Dest1 were also rooming with us, they cam in with the Lunakrist and ChargedPunk. Premo and Dest were the quiet type so they don't get worked into the story as much, sorry guys. We went to Kmart to buy wood glue and clamps for the door I busted in. While there we found the PA system code (FUNCTION 606) and informed the workers they were all fired. We also announced the unadvertised sale on creamy homosexual zygotes on sale, aisle 3. "Attention all goddamn, jewish, nigger, nazi, faggot creaming, fuck stain, piece of shit K-Mart shoppers!" On the way out some store clerk either yelled at us or thought what we did was really cool. Too much ebonics in his speech to really tell which one it was.

We got to the hotel room and fixed the door. We spilled the remaining wood glue out of our window. That was fun. Oh I forgot to mention, the earlier night we found a stack of about a doezen "OVER 50" pr0n magazines on top of the soda machine on our floor. We finally had a use for it. Rip out every single page of every magazine and hurdle them out the window in one gigantic porno bomb. It was the most beautiful thing I ever saw. The hackers got their christmas snow.

I went out wandering the hotel and ran into YonderBoy. Yonder recently wrote a program which is capable of decrypting RSA encryption without the private key available. Sweet stuff, don't give it to the government.

That night alot of people were fucking shit up. Some guy blew up 3 or 4 m80's in one of the elevators. Someone else threw up on every floor of the stairwell. A third guy was taking over the 2600's security station with his mobil transmiter. We listened to this for a while untill we heard that Captain Crunch (yea, he was there too) was running arounf the hotel with his pants duct taped to his nipples. We HAD to see this so me and ZenoStrifer ran out of the hotel room. We had to leave the scanner though because 2600 security was looking for anyone with radio equiptment hoping it would be the guy taking over the station. As it turned out Captain Crunch didn't have his pants duct taped to his nipples. That was a lie to get anyone with a scanner to run out of their hotel room so the guards could harrass you. When we found the captain he WAS however drunk off of his ass. He was funk dancing in the rave room by himself. One of the most memorable moment of H2k.

That was all we needed. We went to out room to get some sleep for the first time in over 48 hours. Of course, not before ordering more pillows to our room and throwing more stuff out of the window.

The next morning we threw more stuff out of the window. This time we hit one of the hotel security guards on the ground level. Not good. 2600 took our badges and the hotel security banned us from ever entering HOtel PEnnsylvania again. Damnit. Well we had our fun. There were only a few more panels left anyways. I watched a few of them live on real player from home. All in all it was a pretty grand con. If you weren't there you certainly missed all the fun. Oh, NitePhreak passed out every night of the con in a drunken rage. THE END.

Money Order Fun Written by Thrakmar

From: "Jacob ."
To: Rufus T. Firefly
Sent: Saturday, September 30, 2000 11:16 PM
Subject: "ANARCHY IN THE ARCADE!!!^%@$&"

What the fuck is wrong with you? You forgot "Play the same game for hours on one credit past the closing time of the arcade to keep the employees from leaving. Bitch heavily when they turn the machines off, and demand extra money back due to lost glory"

Anyone with two hands and a very high tolerance for boredom can play "Gauntlet Legends" on the castle stage indefinitely. Galaga and Shadows Over Mystaria can also be played for huge amounts of time on a single credit. Didn't you ever have people playing the same damn game for half an hour after the place should have closed, whining about losing their money when you finally pull the plug?

From: Jacob
To: linear
Date: Saturday, September 30, 2000 9:18 PM
Subject: You've got the spine of a tadpole, man

Hi, I was just reading UPL021 because it's a fine alternative to writing boring papers on plato, and I noticed that you suddenly lost your spine and had it replaced with a vaguely pudding-like substance.

Specifically, your response to Colleen cards totally off-base letter about that stupid "Hacking girls the cyberpunk way" article. She proposes that the article shouldn't have been published because of "bad taste". Are you fucking insane? BAD TASTE?! Sure, it shouldn't have been published because it wasn't really all that funny, but bad taste? Must I explain how stupid that is? YOU REGULARLY PUBLISH LYRICS TO BAD SONGS WITH LAME COMPUTER/PHONE THEMES. An article on the most efficient way to execute Jews is in better taste than that! Jesus!

Oh, and she mentions "Social Engineer the Depresses(sic) Computer Nerd into Killing Himself". Get her to write this. Seriously.

[my response....]

From: linear
To: Jacob
Subject: Re: You've got the spine of a tadpole, man
Date: Sunday, October 01, 2000 11:48 AM

Spineless as it may be, I stand by my words to colleen card. That article was not in bad taste because it sucked (like most our articles), but because it was just plain wrong. It's not like I buckled to Colleen, if you notice when I first released that issue, there was already a little semi-disclaimer at the bottom of it.

And your comment about "most efficient way to execute Jews is in better taste than that!" really makes me question just who the hell my audience is. If this is the people UPL is attracting, then maybe UPL needs a to take a new direction entirely, or, take no direction at all.

So I don't feel I owe any apologies for being "spineless" when in fact what I did (apologizing to my readers) was a result of my personnal believes towards women. If this is considered spineless, then so be it.

If you do not like reading a zine who's editor has a conscience, then by all means, stop reading UPL. This is the first article I've apologized for, but you never know - it might not be the last.

[his response...]

From: Jacob .
To: linear
Date: Sunday, October 01, 2000 10:34 PM
Subject: Re: You've got the spine of a tadpole, man

Don't apologize for being spineless! You've done too much apologizing already! Really, the apology was more degrading to women than any lame article could ever be. "Sorry ladies, I didn't realize that you couldn't handle it." C'mon man! Live on the edge! Offend people once in a while! Say it with me: "Jesus Sucks!" "The Beatles Suck!" "The president sucks!" "Everyone Sucks!" If there's anything that really gets my shlong in a knot, it's coddling folks who've been scarred by all that glorious tastelessness. Listen to that deeper conscience and contribute to the greater good: the growth of American Cynicism.

And I'm not a nazi, I was just illustrating how terrible those songs-with-replaced-lyrics are. It was just a metaphor, sheesh.

[my response...]

From: linear
To: Jacob .
Subject: Re: You've got the spine of a tadpole, man
Date: Monday, October 02, 2000 3:38 PM

If you read my letter a little more carefully, you would have realized the whole point of it was to tell you that I refuse to apologize to you for doing what was right.

Regarding 'Sorry ladies, I didn't realize that you couldn't handle it.', I'm thinking perhaps you should re-read my initial apology if that is what you got out of it. Or perhaps you need clarification of the word "offensive".

Obviously I would never have any problem saying stuff like 'Jesus sucks', 'the Beatles sucked', 'the President sucks', because my own opinions/beliefs justify it. However, my view toward women counter-justifies my decision to publish that article. THAT is whay I apologized, not because I offended anyone, but it went against what I myself believe.

So again, re-read my original reply to you, because at no time did I apologize to you, and at no time will I. Your opinions do not mean much to me, because what I can see of you in the two letters you have sent me, you're not the kind of person I care to associate with. Again, I advise you to stop reading UPL if you get so bent out about an apology I made in it, or song parodies.

[his response...]

From: Jacob .
To: linear
Date: Monday, October 02, 2000 9:03 PM
Subject: Re: You've got the spine of a tadpole, man

Yeah, but if you read my first letter, you'd realize that I never even remotely asked for any sort of apology. I said "Don't apologize, man!" because you responded with the impression that I wanted one. Why would I? That'd be worse than the original apology.

Also, just out of curiosity, what are your views toward women? Is there a subset of these views that prevents you from publishing badly-written articles that make fun of stereotypes?

Oh, and I don't really get bent up about apologies or song lyrics or any of that (If it seems I'm angry about something, I'm not. Writing abrasively is a genuine hobby.). I just think it's a shame to see the next generation become enveloped by politically correct indoctrination, politically correct subversion, and the international politically correct conspiracy to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids.

[my response...]

From: linear linear@phonelosers.net
To: Jacob . qz3@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: You've got the spine of a tadpole, man
Date: Tuesday, October 03, 2000 5:59 PM

Apparently I'm a PC-Fascist because I care.

[his response...]

From: Jacob .
To: linear
Date: Tuesday, October 03, 2000 6:49 PM
Subject: Re: You've got the spine of a tadpole, man

About WHAT?

[my response...]

From: linear
To: Jacob .
Subject: Re: You've got the spine of a tadpole, man
Date: Wednesday, October 04, 2000 3:45 PM

Obviously not your opinions, guy.

[his response...]

From: Jacob .
To: linear
Date: Thursday, October 05, 2000 12:12 AM
Subject: Re: You've got the spine of a tadpole, man

That's not very PC-Facist of you. Be consistent goddamnit!

[my response...]

From: linear
To: Jacob . 
Subject: Re: You've got the spine of a tadpole, man
Date: Thursday, October 05, 2000 3:49 PM

Perhaps you should look up the word 'sarcasm'

[his response...]

From: Jacob . 
To: linear
Date: Saturday, October 07, 2000 7:40 PM
Subject: Re: You've got the spine of a tadpole, man

You were being sarcastic when you said you didn't care about my opinions? I'm touched! You love me.. you really really love me!

[my response...]

From: linear
To: Jacob . 
Subject: Re: You've got the spine of a tadpole, man
Date: Sunday, October 08, 2000 11:52 AM

You done yet?

[no further responses]

---

From: "Rick Sung"
To: Rufus T. Firefly
Subject: Shoplifting Question
Date: Thu, 24 Aug 2000 15:52:43 PDT

Dear Rufus T. Firefly, I read your article on shoplifting in UPL; it was very useful for me. But I need to ask a very important question: I had heard a rumor that by covering the white security label (on videos and such) with magnetic tape, the sensors would be effectively blocked. Is there any truth to this?

Your Friend In Anarchy,
The Fourth Horseman

United Phone Losers